Admissions of a Pastor

"'Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the house of Israel.'

"Note that a man whom the Lord sends forth as a preacher is called a watchman. A watchman always stands on a height so that he can see from afar what is coming. Anyone appointed to be a watchman for the people must stand on a height for all his life to help them by his foresight.

* * * * *

"How hard it is for me to say this, for by these very words I denounce myself.

"I cannot preach with any competence, and yet insofar as I do succeed, still I myself do not live my life according to my own preaching.

"I do not deny my responsibility; I recognize that I am slothful and negligent, but perhaps the acknowledgment of my fault will win me pardon from my just judge.

* * * * *

"Indeed when I was in the monastery I could curb my idle talk and usually be absorbed in my prayers. Since I assumed the burden of pastoral care, my mind can no longer be collected; it is concerned with so many matters.

"I am forced to consider the affairs of the Church and of the monasteries. I must weigh the lives and acts of individuals. I am responsible for the concerns of our citizens.

"I must worry about the invasions of roving bands of barbarians, and beware of the wolves who lie in wait for my flock. I must become an administrator lest the religious go in want. I must put up with certain robbers without losing patience and at times I must deal with them in all charity.

With my mind divided and torn to pieces by so many problems, how can I meditate or preach wholeheartedly without neglecting the ministry of proclaiming the Gospel?

* * * * *

"Moreover, in my position I must often communicate with worldly men. At times I let my tongue run, for if I am always severe in my judgments, the worldly will avoid me, and I can never attack them as I would.

"As a result I often listen patiently to chatter. And because I too am weak, I find myself drawn little by little into idle conversation, and I begin to talk freely about matters which once I would have avoided. What once I found tedious I now enjoy.

* * * * *

"So who am I to be a watchman, for I do not stand on the mountain of action but lie down in the valley of weakness?

"Truly the all-powerful Creator and Redeemer of mankind
can give me
in spite of my weaknesses
a higher life
and effective speech;

because I love him,
I do not spare myself in speaking of him."


From a homily on Ezekiel by Saint Gregory the Great, pope
[From today's Office of Readings]